HEY YALL! its been quite awhile.. things have been happening , good and bad but eh its life... i dont know what to say but i miss you all.. even if i dont talk to any of you lol

i have been living life worrying about the nonsence that is building up and i dont know how to stop that, i question many things mainly about my happiness... eh its not normal .. im sooo friggin happy but then again am i? .. i am so confussed about life itself....

well then .... im lost at what to say..

so later xoxo

its been long so im just dropping by to say .HEY TO YA ALL!

lots have been happening in my life.. alot of things icant put my finger on lol... its so typical of me....

ok well hope you are well..

laterr

God, hello?
are you there?
do you care?
do you see me?

where are you, anywhere??

no i dont think so because if you were i would see you and,. . . and i would feel you.... but i dont... why did you leave? i need you! life was easy when i saw you.. and felt you and when i heard you it was soothing.. please come back..

i dont think its meant to be, because if it was... it would be different...

my friends
my boyfriend
and myself... dont belive in you... well i did but they dont.. non of my friends.. maybe a hand full but thats not enough to help me see you again, why am i friends with freinds that dont beleive in you or who are struggeling? why?

they arent helping, you arent helping. its hard to concentrate on you when i have them... the ones that dont have faith

please answer me.
please send me someone that i can rely on and trust because right now, i dont trust anyone.. and it hurts. .cause i dont know who i can trust i mean with you at least.. i have no one to talk to about you and i have no one to show me your way.

why does this have to be so hard
why does life have to be hard
why do you make things impossible to handle... you see me in pain and you see my struggeling.. so why arent you doing anything?

answer me that....**

~~ ** im loseing it ** ~~

i need help

>> bad habits are sprouting out <<

i cant control them ....

help is all i need.

with many things.

.:*Stacey*.:


((...WHERE IS GOD WHEN YOU NEED HIM THE MOST??...))

oh dear father,
i come to you for help.
help! and i dont know why im asking it.

i feel bad i feel awful and i feel as if i want to break down and cry...
as if i want to give up .. i dont know why, i havent felt this way in so long
i havent wanted to cry in so long.. this is strange.

i have not been praying to you at all, i have not been dedicateing anytime to you
and i know that father.... i dont know why, i guess i have been so stressed
with my studies and my friends and just everyone at once.. that i guess its coming to the point
that i cant concentrate anymore.... its tuesday night and i have this huge civics test
tomorrow and next week are midterms.. i should be studying but i think my tears are getting in the way.

So dear father help me. help me come through my stress and be with me while i recover

... this past weekend i was with my boyfriend... it was enjoying sat night was my friends and watching movies
but then sunday night was just us..... im afraid that this relationship might just be all sexual.. and i dont want that...
im afraid to move on with him
im afraid to talk to him
father please i ask you in tears help me...

this relationship i do not want all sexual... i want it to be way more than that....

i dont know what to say or do anymore.

(( dont let me be alone... dont turn your back on me ))


thank you dear lord...

* amen in your precious name *

~~ stacey

i hate the feeling that you think cant do anything
or you arent capable of doing what you would like to do.
i hate thinking low and i hate having doubts
i wish i could just see what others may see or i wish i can see what
others think im good at doing.

i want this to be over
i want this to be gone
and i want it to be in my past life.
<3

i wish i was who you think i am.


PS.. i am confussed and i cant explaine it cause none of you can help.

i dont know.
life should be good rightt??
i mean my mom was very good to me this christmas
i have been catching up on sleep
i have a boyfriend now
i have amazing friends
and the list just goes on and on and on

but for some reason something is missing, im not happy... infact i am incredibly upset.
i cant put my finger on it

i love being alone just all by myself, and i didnt know why until tonight when i went to the movies with some people, i love being alone because..... i dont have to worry to impress anyone my friends my boyfriends strangers, i can walk around the house in my PJ's with no make up on and my hair a mess, but when i go out i have to dress decent put make up on and look presentable... i hate going out because in my opinion in my own head i dont deserve to be seen in public.. i know i know it sounds rediculous, but you have to see everything in my eyes.... im not happy for being me and i cant be happy its hopeless... i dont understand why.
i question myself.."why i do have a b/f" i cant put my finger on it, im afraid that i look bad and im afraid of what others might see or even think.

did i lose you yet?

(( why worry about our apparence? why??))
i never use to, HECK i use to be a tom boy lol.... and now, now i worry about everything! and what others think... "do i look fat in this?" "how does my make up look?" "do i look cute enough to go out?" i mean these are questions i actually ask myself.... but i never get answers.. like tonight i was so scared to be seen in light.. because i hate the way i look.. i think i have to lose weight maybe buy new make up.... and the list goes on....
i hate feeling like this, i want to go out and be happy with whom im with and i want to be happy with just being me and my looks... but i look around and see girls that are pretty or beuaitful... or even wicked gorgerous.... but who am i? im not any of those titles.. im stacy without a face.

>>get it??

i do everything i can do just to make myself feel good... i switch up my diet(s) i buy clothes that i like and that are cute i mean i do alot just so i can be happy.. but theres nothing i can do, for instance tomorrow night, new years im suppose to go to erics house to spend it with him... i dont want to go just because i hate the way i look....

i dunno....

welll like i said i should be happy because alot of things has been going nicely in my life... but then theres this one part that brings me down... and its myself.

~~~Stacey~~~*

well, christmas has just past and now the new yrs is coming on up, its amazing!just thinking that 2005 is gone and 2006 is quikcly coming up. alot has happened alot is happening and alot is gonna happen i just cant keep up with all these surprises.
i am setting new goals for myself altho i know for a fact that im not going to stick to them lol. so my friend and i decided to make 2 steady goals and stick with them for at least the first 3 months of the new yr lol. going to the gym 3 days a week non stop and going on a diet together so we know we have someone to lift us back up when we need it!
i dont know what to say, life itself has been going awsome and its not like me to say that as some of you know. my mothetr and i are actually getting along quite decentlly lol, and my brother isnt in my life anymore and i am so thankful he isnt. that sounds so mean but its for the best!! i have a new boyfriend to start the new yr off now and everything is just amazing with everything.

so i guess that is that and i guess thats all ill be saying.
love you all lots and lots!! hope all is good, and now IM OUT!!!
laterrr<3

OH GOSH I HATE THE HOLIDAYS!!!

but i did get a sewing machine and PS2.. but heck i hate the holidays it doesn even feel like a special day..... mhm ... wheres the family of my dreams....????

and no.. im not selfish or self center i know the real meaning of christmas .... its just i hate the holidays lol...

can someone please explaine why life is so confussing . . .
Why love is so confussing . . . .

---- <3
i cant figure this out on my own, but i know i have too... i cant put the pieces together...

-> ** why must the holidays be so depressing ?** <-
and what is there to do to fix what is missing?

Sometimes i feel like i should give up. just feeling like im missing something or someone.
i cant keep up with my feelings or emotions, this past weekend was just amazing and i saw god for the first time in more than a yr it was awsome, but now... now i always question " is he there?" i dont feel it or see it at the moment.. the past week ive been down and low and not talkative and you all know icould be very talkative lol... alot of my freinds sees there is something wrong here.... i wont tell them i wont tell my mom or my brother scine i never see him...

i dont have a friend i can go to...
a friend to be there for me just a friend that will give me advise when i need it
or a hug to consul me.... i really dont have anyone, cause no one will understand the 3 things that are bugging me. i feel hopeless. and alone... just cold and alone.

im on and off, last yr was one of the worst yrs i had, only about 2 maybe 3 people knows the details... the details arent accpetable or tolerant.... i cant beleive i went through it, but sadly i did and i am again. medcine... ya ok and why isnt it helping?
im just so aggravated with everything.. im stressing.... i wont do anything ... and all iwant to do is be alone just by my self i dont even want to go to the dance on sat but i have too sicne my freind already bout my ticket behind my back... i cant turn on her now, i want to be alone i dont want to be with anyone or go out... i want to stay home study and do what ever i have to or want to do....

< why is that?> why do i not want to do anything?
i feel bad that im actaully here.. for some reason sometimes i feel as if my friends- rosie michelle austin i think sometimes they deserve a better friend then myself. i cant get things straight and when i try i fail. no one is there to pick me up.. i have to do it.... i wish i had a close friend to guide me to help me to give me advise.. i wish i had someone close.
not a boyfriend or anything a friend a close friend....
i had one... but we arent like that anymore.

i miss being a child you know... everything was nice and smooth mommy would pick my clothes put my hair up in a bow.... put a little dress on me and i was on my merry way.... now im 16 and everything is a mess... icant win at all... at least when iwas like girl everything was perfect in my eyes everything was all fun and games, christmases were so enjoying with my brother beleiveing in santa i didnt bother buying anyone anything, but now now im 16 and i have no job im poor litterally... my mom is sturggeling and she was crying last night cause she doesnt know what to do anymore my brother he is in a bad situration with the bank and with me.. i have nothing to give to anyone they wont listen to me when i say dont buy me anything i dont deserve anything and icant afford anything save your money... they wont listen .... i feel bad and hopeless with this... i need things and i want things ... i cant do anything without a job. they dont understand that<< i just feel bad icant give anything when ishould

and with me.. i am trying so hard to go back on a diet but i cant, its the holidays and well its hard to go back on one, im low on protien and ive been craving the unusal for me.. chocholets and sweets i dont eat sweets im a health freak but now i dont know why.... i cant go on like this feeling guilty about everything what goes in my mouth and just really.... being me at the moment. i feel bad i feel as if i have to change...

today in civics i was zoning out again and i was listening to my friends joe and michelle talk... joe yea i liked him a few days ago but now i dont cause he does all different kinds of drugs and im all staright edged.... i think... " why am i such a good child? why dont i do anything or risk anything? why when i skip a class i feel bad? why cant i do anything thats not me?" you know.. i want to do something thats not me... iwant to do something that i never did before.... i dont know if its because i watched my brother in pain for more than 10yrs... im not sure all i know is that i have to do something.. have fun, not just clean fun all the time... i dont do anything.. im lame and boring.... i dont see the point.

one thing that hurts..
SWEET16'S
mine was a blow out!.
now all my friends are turning 16 .. they are having sweet 16's michelle is having this big ass party like the show on MTV.. and everyone thats turning 16 or turned 16 have friends that think of things for them.. like they surprise them and make them feel special like the day is dedicated to them.. with me everytime ithink about sweet 16's i want to cry since at my party i left in tears.... no lie!
it hurts.. i know i know its stupid right.. well it may be but it does hurt alot knowing that non of my friends will think of anything for me when ill do anything for them.... i always wanted a surprise party from my friends not my mom or my bro but my friends, i never got one nor will i ever have one ... my friend is like " through yourself a surprise party" im like " how does that work?" " just dont tell yourself" he replys. it doesnt work that way. turning 16 is suppose to be memorable right?!? mine iwant to drop dead when ithink about it. im in pain by it. happy sweet 16 to you... WHAT ABOUT ME?!?! AM I IN A DARK LITTLE ROOM?!?! ... am I? do any of you understand where im coming from? to me it feels as if,im really not worth anyones time and it feels as if im wasting my time trying to be a good friend to them all. i cant win. like isaid no one understands. i dont want them too... i dont what anyone to feel bad for myself... i just dont....

so.. to sum it up...
- i whether be alone and not do anything one weekends
- i whether do my own thing
- i dont want to go to any of my friends sweet 16's
- i dont want anything for christmas
- i dont want to feel like this
- i dont want you to understand
- i dont deserve anything
- but i do want a friend to be there.. a friend ican trust sure alot of my friends says " you know im here for you" but are they? are they really.... i dont think so cause they all say that not all of them can be there for me.... if i beleived that i would go to them but i dont and im not..
- i want my family to be better
- i want life to be over. the end of the world. .. in thousands of yrs.. to be extinct....
or go back 16 yrs ago and relive my life to make it perfect.

well. * sigh * thats bassically whats going on in my head...
alot i know alot for this child to handle.

anything to say just reply.. but then again its all cool if you dont.

im out*

im missing out on alot... i missing out on life im missing out on to much.

the more i think about it i get scared.
its something i cant control
its just me myself and i... no one to help or to guide
and pretty soon ill be on my own altho i might already be leading in that direction.
so confussed and misunderstood to what path i shall take.

everyday im getting older and everyday is another day closer for my life to begin.
i cant beleive it, its seems as if just yesterday i was 5 and i was beleiving in santa clause
but now im 16 and waiting to start my life fresh out of high school.

am i ready?
i mean am i ready to begin my dreams..as being a fashion designer?
living in NYC am i ready?

or am i just dreaming dreaming dreaming and nothing will come true?
frankly how do you know?

theres no one i can rely on anymore, only myself and my responsiblites.

living the life that god graciously gave you that gift that is special, you no longer want it... i mean sure youre happy that youre here but sometimes you just arent happy for who you became.... i cant explaine it. just wishing to be someone else. always questioning the same question.. " why am i here what is the reason?" but the truth of the matter is, is that you will never know why nor will there be an answer maybe in the furture at some point but not until then.

God... just the name is confussing.
i dont get it, do you?
i always get stuck in life and no where to go ... can i rely on him<< im not sure i always have 2nd thoughts about it.... i get stuck.. i ask " does he exsist?" but you know.. i think he does... its hard to beleive im not doing really great right now but for some reason i know hes there hes in our hearts... and if you turn your backs on him, you know for a fact that he wont ever turn on you.. you need him hes there hes your first father and he is a dad that you will and can never live without.

so i still dont know why im here, i just am and ill find out when im in heaven with him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~****

amazing, my life is beginning... sophmore in HS and yet i have so many things to accomplish ... well i ever accomplish all what iwant to do?
travel
my own bussiness
learning new things... and forgetting the past.

ill find out in 2 yrs .... 2 yrs i am on my own!

<3 <3 <3

Musicon this w/e i cant wait.. i feel bad asking for rides. from everyone.... im going on sat perhaps... should i feel bad for asking a ride from someone that is booked with school? i just dont know

ill see you all this weekend.... its going to be exciting!!

love you all... - stacey

if you can change one thing about me
..
what would it be?

omg
CHRISTMAS IS COMING!!!
thanksgiving is over
and now
its time
TO MAKE MY GIFTS!!!
from the heart of course!!!!
yess!!!!

and my best friend she is now turning 16!!

omg....
and messiah .. IM GOING!!!!
I CANT WAIT TO SEE YOU ALL.. SINCE MARCH OMG.... I CANT WAIT!!!
maybe just maybe ill learn something lol

WELL THEN

BYE<3

OMG OH YEA!
I AM DECORATING TODAY..... altho i am sick... BUT STILLL IT SHALL BE ENJOYING!!!!
ANYONE CAN JOIN ;-) LOL

bye loves!

Help ....


.. Anyone ? ..


Is it safe to go back .... back to what i was doing ??


back to last yr?

ok iknow i said i wont write in it anyore.... but i mgoing too lol

i dont know whatto do .. i mean people say hes like me and wants to ask me out... but i dont know what to do...
I like him as well... but we are both shy..
he asked me to homecoming 3 weeks before the dance and within those 3 weeks we hardly talked
except if i IMed him
and now since the dance is over.. we hardly talk still
so im lost on everything
sure i want to comfront him and tell him straight out i like him.. but i highly dount that will ever happen....
Well i mean if he doesnt know i like him.. then he must be the blondest boy i know.. ( hes really blonde lol)but still.. its so obvious on my part.

*+* yes homecoming was AMAZING.. i mean sure towards the end the music sucked and they only played 2 slow songs which sucked even more... but all that mattered to me was that i was dancing in his arms..... and i beielf he felt the same thing and hopefully still does. *+*

sure not a night to forget but... damn the music sucked lol

But yea
i dont know what to do about this... its been going onlong enough
hes a friend
i mean he slept at my house once
and i sleep over his all the time since his sis is my best friend
we have loads have laughter and fun together
but other than that our friendship will not move on

So alot have been going on... but right now i dont see the point at leaving any entries because i highly doubt anyone reads them... well.. mine at least lol..... so most likely i wont leave anything here for a while.....

< hope you all had fun at musicon <3

ok well my last entry for a while but ill say somethings :)
lately life as been hard for me... it hasnt been going easy... so if you could and wouldnt mind.. please pray for me.. i mtrying to get contact with god again and maybe you guys can help me... if you dont mind there is only one person that knows some inside stuff..... but hes the kind of person that wouldnt let me hang .. besides im not afraid to trust him... and im sure he knows who im talking about.

that was one thing^ now i can run 3 miles without stopping! which is good for me since i have severe asthma lol... i couldnt even run 10mins of a mile... lol....

well nothing right now..... so good bye <3 love you.

LET DESTINY LEAD THE WAY OUT . . .

... * Dreams are always a Start of a new beginning
dont go chasing what they are sending you
but let them finish sending what you deserve ...*
can you figure out who "THEY" are?

*~* The other way to make a journey was to hear
the voice of God and trust him for
the outcome and just go *~*

~*~ Emotional Angel fly so high
to touch the sky
The tears of rain come pouring down
from those babyblue eys
The lovely dove so white and pure
to wish i was the one to DIE. ~*~

(*) When i talk to god, I aways think
about if he is listening to me,
or if he is with me ... I dont get answers.
The feelings that i have are to strange to comprehend
.... GOD IS ALL I WANT ..... (*)

< she found her broken, she found her way, this girl is dancing in a differnt way >
she shouted it out to be heard once more. the love that she is missing within all hearts
The god in her is lost and will not shine.. but as soon as she rejoices all you see is....
The girl with an open heart flying shining with all that gives......
Like the rain that falls, the sun that shines..... she is one of a kind
but all she wants... is to be loved by YOU.
With a broken heart.... your love is like heaven that she shouts it out ..... all i want is to be loved by you.

... GOOD... BYE ...

Well it looks as if i havent written in while.

there really isnt really anything to say.

So this weekend is Musicon, i am going to try to make it, but i dont think any of it will happen so perhaps the next time ill accually go will be messiah. I mean i want to go but i dont think my mom does i beleive she has something against the group itself. It quite frankly pisses me off.
But im gonna see what i can do!

will you leave a comment bringing my faith up and/or give me positive feedback...

well thanks.. <3

----------------------------------

ok so the mile run is this month! omgoodness i can do i can do it! i ran yesterday i think a little more than 2 miles, i mnot sure lol. i stopped maybe one or 2 times. but thats because of my asthma but omg the last time i mdoing the mile I AM NOT GOING TO FAIL!! but with everything else cruches pushups and so on ill do just fine!! since ido them nightly anyways.
but this shall be exciting... lol :)

welllppp....
i must go.... so talk to you later.

* and i miss every single one of you, its been to long. May was it. yeah its been long. i hope ican come! *